Most people these days would prefer not to talk about death. The subject matter itself makes them uncomfortable, let alone the emotions about such finality or unease it conjures. Still, for most, this conversation is immensely beneficial — not only for the dying individual but also those they leave behind. With this, there are several ways to minimize the awkwardness and uneasiness associated with such subject matter and infuse the interaction with support. 

1. Sit on the same level as the person.

Our stature during a conversation can communicate almost as much as the content of our speech. When speaking to a dying person, especially when delivering difficult information, try to bring your face level with their face as much as possible. This signifies that you are there with them in a supportive capacity. 

2. Put aside any objects between you and the person. 

Whether we realize it or not, we often use objects in a room to shield ourselves from discomfort. A phone may feel like an escape hatch from a socially awkward encounter. A book may be a quick change of subject or focus when the topic becomes displeasing. When speaking to someone about death — their impending death or your own — strive to remove any barriers. Even sitting across the table from a person can make them feel that much more distant from you or that your differing fates are emotionally separated by the piece of furniture. And, of course, silence all phones and put them entirely out of sight. 

3. Speak to the person straight forward in an open body posture. 

Those speaking about dying want to feel heard as much as possible. Crossing your arms or legs or sitting sideways (such as in a car) does not tell them you are ready to listen to what they have to say carefully. When you speak about death or dying, make sure to be presenting an open body posture that says, “I’m listening.” 

• Align your shoulders with their shoulders — striving to keep your collar bones parallel with theirs’. 
• Keep your legs uncrossed. 
• Keep your hands and arms resting comfortably on your knees or thighs — not crossed over your body. 
• Keep your hands fully visible — out of pockets, behind your back, or away from the sides of the seat of your chair.
• Do not recline or lean sideways against an object in a casual manner. Instead, lean slightly forward in their direction.
• Keep your feet aligned with theirs.
• Gesture with open palms to signify your support.

4. Signify that you’re listening with responsive behavior. 

Even after removing all previously-mentioned obstacles to the conversation, it’s still possible for the person to not feel they have your full attention if you’re not responding appropriately.

• Keep natural eye contact with the person while speaking and listening.
• Gesture that you’re listening with appropriate nods or responsive — not reactive — facial expressions. Remain mindful of what your face is saying and how it may differ from your words or notions. 
• Consider if bodily contact may be appropriate — such as holding their hand while speaking or occasionally touching their shoulder or knee for comfort or to express your dedication to their support. The decision to employ bodily contact will depend on the individual and your relationship. 
• Delivering a warm smile when discussing one’s support network can go a long way towards helping someone feel loved and taken care of, but remember to keep the appropriateness of certain facial expressions in mind. 

5. Conclude with as much warmth as possible (and is appropriate). 

Speaking to someone about death or dying can feel immensely disorienting. Such conversations can almost feel like the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. Do your best to provide loving assurance and your dedication to supporting them. Make sure to summarize the next steps in their care and give them a means of contacting you. Concluding with a hug or other bodily contact—a handhold, a gentle shoulder squeeze, a kiss on the cheek, etc.—any actions to soothe anxiety may be helpful.

Supportive Palliative & Hospice Care in the Greater Tulsa Area

Help is here. Cura HPC Hospice & Palliative is honored to served patients and families in the Greater Tulsa, OK area.

Whenever a loved one is experiencing immense grief following the death of someone close to them, our instinct is to fix the hurt. If it were up to us, we’d love to be able to present a magic pill that makes them feel all better—after all, all pain is the same, right? Wrong. 

Unfortunately, grief, unlike bodily pain, is best processed rather than masked or avoided. Assisting people in processing their grief is a task few that of us have adequate training or experience. There are, however, many aims one can bring to a relationship to assist our loved ones in their grief processing. 

1. Aim to support, not fix. 

If a loved one suddenly broke a limb, our first instinct would not be to attempt to set the bone. We know that we’re not qualified to that, and if we tried, we would likely cause more harm and pain than good. What we do instead is aim to stabilize the wound to assist them in their healing process. Instead of trying to maneuver a bone back into place, we’re better off acting as the pillow beneath the wound. 

Such is the same attitude to have toward supporting someone experiencing immense grief. While you’re likely not the doctor who delivers the curative treatment, you can definitely be the sling beneath the cast that keeps the broken arm stable so the healing can take place. 

2. Aim to relieve the pressures you can. 

Telling a grieving person that everything will be ok or that you can fix the problem is not helpful or truthful. Giving this kind of false assurance may even prolong their grief in the way a phony remedy may prolong an ailment. So, what can you do? You can offer your services in relieving what is within your grasp. 

Many people experiencing immense grief may be slow to rebound simply due to the responsibilities of daily life. Even though it may feel like the world stops when a loved one dies, it does not — and simply keeping the plates of daily life spinning can make processing grief a drawn-out process. 

Instead of assuring them of relief or withdrawing completely, there is a beneficial middle road — providing practical assistance. 

• Offer to run errands for them. 
• Bring over freezer-ready meals for days they don’t feel like cooking. 
• Coordinate rides for their children to their various activities with people they know.
• Present the support you know they need but may feel awkward about asking for. 

This leads us to the best you can be of service to a grieving loved one...

3. Aim to be an active listener — not a source of answers. 

One of the most supportive activities you can perform for a grieving friend may not seem like an activity at all — listening. The loss of a loved one can leave one feeling incredibly isolated. Simply having a friend to listen or even just share the same space can be an immensely comforting presence — a respite from yelling into the void of one’s own emotions. Shouldering their emotional burden can help them feel that some of the weight of the world is relieved, giving them the space to feel vulnerable and, ultimately, to heal. 

• When you encounter your grieving friend, don’t feel the need to distract them from their woes. 
• Let them sit behind the wheel of the conversation — you’re simply a passenger. 
• Don’t feel the need to fill any silence with words of consolation. 
• Silence or simply you sharing the space may be precisely what they need. 

Sharing the silence with them may be one of the greatest gifts you can offer. 

Supportive Palliative & Hospice Care in the Greater Tulsa Area

Help is here. Cura HPC Hospice & Palliative is honored to served patients and families in the Greater Tulsa, OK area.